• Morality came from religion.
• The meaning of life came from religion.
• How we got here came from religion.
• What would happen to me after I died came from religion.

Suddenly, there was this blank slate. Nothing I thought I had known, was known.

It scared the hell out of me to realize there was no grand purpose for humanity and my life, that there was no afterlife, and that there was no set moral code telling me how to live. In other words, my religiously based life had been replaced by an immense void.

However, fear and uncertainty very quickly gave way to an insatiable, unconstrained curiosity to learn. I became full of a sense of wonder I hadn’t had since my childhood fascination for space and dinosaurs. Life was now an open road and I realized my new purpose was to explore that road.

That was almost two years ago, and my curiosity hasn’t abated – not in the least. In fact, I’d say it’s just getting stronger.

Which brings me to you. If fear has held you back from thinking god might not exist, I encourage you to press on – the rewards are truly immense. A mind-opening, perhaps even (dare I say it?) spiritual experience awaits you.

And to my fellow non-believers who get frustrated with those who don’t seem to be hearing your message, please try to be patient – there is a lot at stake for them. Letting go of immortality for one’s self and one’s loved ones can be enormously difficult, and your proposition brings a great deal of fear and uncertainty with it.

All that aside, de-conversion after years and years of belief is possible. If I can do it at 40, anyone can.

I’ve written about not being mad at god before, and I’ll say it again – I’m not mad. I simply do not think there is a god. Being mad at god would be like being mad at pistachio flavored steak sauce (please tell me pistachio flavored steak sauce doesn’t exist!).

That said, I will admit that personal suffering was part of the thought process that led me to shed my belief in god.

Before I go down that road however, it’s important to point out that my son became a diabetic three months after my de-conversion so there is no way his diabetes could have had anything to do with it (I can just hear the whack-os telling themselves that my son’s diabetes was my punishment for ditching god!).

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Yes, I’ve put up with a lot of physical pain, but I put up with it for years without questioning the existence of god. It never even occurred to me to somehow blame god.

The real trigger was that someone very close hurt me deeply. I simply could not believe my eyes and ears how bad the situation was, and the questions started pouring in. “How could God let this happen?” etc etc.

But, as I examined my grief, a funny thing happened – I started looking at the pain and suffering of other people, and quickly realized that mine was nothing to complain about. It became obvious that, just by being born in North America in this century, I had a huge advantage over people born elsewhere, or at at different point in history. Want to know suffering? Just take a look at the shortage of food and medicine in some places on the African continent. Many people there don’t have a chance at health, happiness or longevity – only because they were born in the wrong place and time.

When Christopher became a diabetic, I was of course upset. But the “feel-sorry-for-myself” period quickly gave way to the “we’re-so-lucky” period when I realized if we were parents of a child in the Sudan, my son would already be dead. His diabetes only served to reinforce opinions I already had.

Side Note For My American Readers: I live in Canada and have EXCELLENT health coverage for my son’s diabetes! Our public health system is NOT nearly as bad as many seem to be claiming!

So, back to the topic at hand, the problem of evil and suffering led me to question my faith and, with no adequate answers as to why god would permit these things, it all quickly began to crumble.

Today, the problems of evil and suffering still factor strongly into my atheism, but not as strongly as the lack of evidence for god does .

I’m at a point now where there are just too many reasons to count when I say that I deny the existence of the holy spirit.

Then, I went through the anger stage. The most intense moments of this phase came when I learned that the “virgin birth” verse in Matthew is mistranslated. Translating the Hebrew text as “young woman” rather than “virgin” makes a huge difference doctrinally (regardless of NT Wright’s assertion to the contrary). The standard Christian apologists’ assurances that all of the Bible’s translation errors are minor (simple numerical discrepancies, etc.) and have no bearing on doctrine is flat-out wrong! And when I read, in several sources (Including his own writings), that St. Jerome knew that the translation was wrong, but offered some twisted logic for preserving the error, I was furious. I read about how an early Church father (perhaps it was Eusebius?) doctored the writings of Josephus so that they would appear to confirm more explicitly the life and ministry of Jesus. And I read much more that confirmed by non-belief. Even though I was furious with Christian preachers and teachers, much of my anger was directed at myself. How could I have been so stupid? Why didn’t I see through this stuff before? I’m a well-educated woman living in the 21st century. How could I have gone decades without recognizing that religious doctrine is all speculation? That none is any more correct than any other? None of the biblical writers really knew what they were writing about. None of the Church fathers or reformers through the ages knew what they were teaching to be factual. And contemporary Christian scholars don’t actually know what they’re talking and writing about either. It’s all guesswork, wishful thinking and ready acceptance of the traditions of our forebears. Every bit of it.

As in the Chaplain’s experience, I moved beyond anger and into the other stages – the most notable difference being that I also experienced a bit of depression over the loss of my (and my loved one’s) mortality.

That was over a year ago and, like with many losses, I moved on and put it behind me. I’m definitely going through more “stages” – but they are much less about atheism than they are about figuring out what I want for my life and how I want to contribute to life on planet earth -  the really fun part!